LIFE CAN BE TIRING

In continuing to dig up old poems I came across this one I wrote at a point in my life about 10 years after the crash. When I considered myself comfortable in my skin, or at least at a point where I stopped talking about my life as before and after the accident. As though it was great before and crappy afterwards, but rather now I had started talking about my life and the accident was just a part of it.

However, in reading this poem, I don’t think I was quite there yet.  The initial tragedy and hardship gets overtaken by a new ‘normality’ and the new normal can become tiring.  On so many levels it can be tiring but especially with the emotional battle in redefining my worthiness and place in society. So I reveal this poem to you as a reality that the constant smiles have hidden so much over the years as many of you out there have also done in your own lives and the reality of what family and friends have endured alongside me is exposed in these words.

Steet lamp with potted red flowers in Nice

LIFE CAN BE TIRING

Have you ever felt so tired that you can’t concentrate?

There are things you must do but you can’t motivate

You eat and you sleep enough so what is the reason?

You feel down and depressed but you can’t understand it

Then you let yourself think, you meditate…

Your mind runs the pictures and some thoughts that you hate

You’re tired of being positive, for everyone else

You just want to cry, all for yourself

It’s hard to understand it and I don’t want to blame them

But who can I talk to, how can I burden them?

I’m tired of always asking, always needing help

I don’t want to be needy, I hate not doing it myself

At times I feel empty, I feel all alone

Even when there are people, I don’t feel at home

This struggle is much bigger than what I can handle

I didn’t want it to start with but God lit the candle

I am the one, who must carry this cross

And a cross it sure is, as much as I’ve lost

I convince myself daily, that this was meant to be

But I’m finding it harder to not ask ‘why me?’

Then I get angry with myself for not trying

I know I am better than all of this lying

I have had great moments right through my life

And the candle that’s burning is there to give light

I need to see past the hurt and the sorrow

As hard as it is, there must be tomorrow

Faith I must keep close to my heart

In order for me to cope with this part

I need to have faith that my life will improve

I need to have strength so that I can still choose

But at times it is hard and I thoroughly wish

I didn’t have to choose and I could freely relinquish

I don’t want the responsibility or the accolade

I’m not all that wonderful, I’d rather sit in the shade

The pressure is real and all eyes are on me

I want to be great but purpose fails me

I’ve been on a rollercoaster, on the ups and the downs

I’ve felt on cloud nine and acted like a clown

Now I feel rejected and it hurts deep inside

How long will this go on, will I see the other side?

It’s hard to believe that this wound will heal

Each memory reveals the truth that is real

It hurts oh so much and it’s still very raw

It affects what I do, it’s a natural law

I knew I’d get hurt but ahead I still went

Believing my fantasy, the truth a little bent

I wanted it so badly, I gave everything

Only to be told, it’s not enough, there’s one more thing…